So Small

So Austin and Devin are going to the Mero's soon. They're all leaving tomorrow to take Hannah to school in Idaho. I'm excited for them to go, but the house, already, feels somewhat empty. But I'm sure that'll feel that way again after Austin's gone on his mission.
I noticed tonight and lately, I've barricaded myself in my room once again. It's been a while since.
Austin's reached the age where he realizes that the things he sometimes says can hurt people's feelings. Devin hasn't reached that yet, and Caden's soon following behind. With Devin's I-don't-care-what-people-think attitude, it'll be hard to determine if he'll ever reach that age or point in his life.
Sad to say, but I've found that I'm a better person when I'm not around them. Everyone protects themselves in different ways. Me? I barricade myself away from everyone, and tend to push people away. Afraid that if I open up, I'll get hurt. I'm sure that Devin can see the hurt in my eyes because he's constantly telling me to 'man it up'. I hate to break it to you but I'm not a man. I'm a woman.
I'm almost 20. I've hit 'the stage' where I don't really feel like I can talk to my parents.

At school in my New Testament class we made a chart of sorts (that I really wish I had copied down!) about all the different ways you can talk with Heavenly Father. Rated at the smallest things of prayer and the Holy Ghost to the really big things like Joseph Smith's first vision - talking to the Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ face to face. I highly remember looking at that list and looking at where my "talks" with Heavenly Father. It was about one or two away from Joseph's first vision. Bro. Anderson then circled the latter part of the chart and asked if anyone has experienced any of them and would like to share. I don't like sharing parts of me to people I really don't know, even then, to people I do know. But I felt prompted to do so. Though to this day and forever, I may never know why it was that I was supposed to share that highly sacred personal experience with the class, but I don't regret it.
Not long after that experience, I experienced another highly sacred personal experience. I've noticed that every experience from/with the Lord, I can look back and recognize him in it and remember every little detail despite the years that have passed. '
But this experience is one that has constantly brought me hope, and although it took me until this past week, but also perspective. Even just thinking about this remarkable experience brings wonderful, happy tears to my eyes. In this small moment, it gave me perspective to what's most important to me and what's on the horizon; what it is that I'm looking for; what I'm supposed to do now. But most importantly, some revelations are only meant for specific people's eyes. In other words, my parents have no idea what kind of glimpse I've been privileged to see and experienced. Not long later, I was reading my patriarchal blessing and I cried as it reassured that what I had seen and had planned in my life was right and true.
When I first tried to talk to my mom about what I had seen, she freaked! "That's not even an option right now!" she said.
This is all I can say about specific personal revelation:
If you have to ask, then you don't know.
If you continue to ask, then maybe you're not supposed to know.

Wow! This so reminds me of a Carrie Underwood song.