Only Time Can Tell

So life has definitely been pretty interesting lately. Not really, completely interesting...but more than that.
So he's so afraid of being infamous because I tell people about my relationship with him. Here's the most interesting part. Most everyone knows me as the person who always has something to say. But when it comes to him, I've got all these words in my head, but can't seem to put anything into words from my mouth. I'm left completely at a loss for words. (something that shawn, my ex, is very envious of)
But he has nothing to worry about. He once said, "I'm as humble as they come." He didn't mean it as an ego kind of thing. He's not big into egos. But it's very true. I am the type of person that is going to tell the whole world when something goes right, when I have good news. I'll always be like that, as will be some of my kids.
I recently had a friend write a blog up that I very much related to.
When I was a child I dreamed a dream of finding somebody who loved every piece of me. Who knew my weakness and faults, but still looked into my eyes and cared about me. I dreamed about meeting him someday and how it would just come together like it was meant to be. And when I would kiss him that the sky would melt and it felt completely right. That we could be ourselves and somehow we could see the good in each other. That it would come naturally and the attraction would stay. I've dated people in the past who make me feel cheap and afterwards I wonder why. I don't want to fall into that trap anymore. I want to feel like I'm worth the fight. I always wonder why I jumped into it even though it didn't feel right, why I keep on trying to find him, but he is never there. When I look around the corner he is never there, when I need a friend the most and somebody to hold me he is never there. I thought I would find glimpses of him in other people, but when I looked closely it vanished. I feel like I'm chasing a fantasy and that he will never be around the corner. That I will never feel completely right with a man and that I will end up an old spinster. I'm not afraid of ending up alone, I'm more afraid that I'll miss him. But maybe he doesn't exist. Maybe there won't be a man who can look at me and in his eyes and make me feel safe. Like I belong in his arms and he cares about me as much as I do him. To fall freely in love without worry and without something holding me back. But in the end I will hold myself back because too many times have I fallen and lost part of myself along the way. In the end I will keep on moving because that is all I know to do to keep on living. But in the end I still look around the corners and I still dream that he will come.
Every girl would dream about this guy. I just can't wait until I can spend all of eternity with him and share with him all the things that I have learned. I'm sure that it would probably surprise him.
My roommate, Tami, tells me of the things that I used to do. I'd come home and say that he was waiting for me before class, he held the door for me, he sat next to me, etc. I even began to notice when he was missing from class. He would send me a text and wake me up, but recently stopped doing that. I already wake up without any reason, I'd love to wake up to a text.
I was told by one of my friends, Rachel, that this should be easy because I've done this before. But this is a completely different ballgame than before. I have no clue what I'm doing! So, afraid that I'm going to screw something up. But somehow he's still always there. Despite all the crazy stuff going on in both of our lives.
All in all, if we were to be more than just friends that's great. And if not, then I'll live and get over it. I can't tell you what's going on in my head or my heart because I don't even quite understand it. But I am very interested to see what's supposed to happen. Nothing happens without a reason.
After all, I found a best friend among friends. Maybe one day I'll be able to tell y'all why I find him so amazing!
Goodnight ~ Addi