No Judging

I've never quite understood it. I'm very much a morning person, however, at night my mind is racing with all these different thoughts. At college, I liked to curl up with a cup of juice (like now), or milk, or even with a snack or something at type on my computer until I got tired enough to fall asleep when I go to lay down. I'm hoping that every night that I can, I'll try to type something up.
See for my life right now...it's mainly work, church, eating, and sleeping. I don't really have a lot of friends. I don't have someone that I can call on as soon as I have a problem. I have my family-now that's not a bad thing. But I really don't feel like they completely understand what I'm going through. They're telling me to either suck it up, or as if there's some kind of automatic way to fix it. It's hard when you feel like an oddball within, not just the world, but your own family. I also realized that one of the reasons that I really don't like to be around my family, sad to say, is that I feel like I'm getting treated like crap. "You suck!"; "Get a life!"; "You have no friends!". Pretty much, most of the time, I'm hearing "I don't want to around. Go away. Don't bother coming back!" Now most of that comes from the 15-year-old. Now he's the kind of guy, that if you say something cruel to him, it's no chip off of his shoulder. Just as we're complete opposites in physical views, we are very much in that aspect. Yes, some things don't bother me, but when you go hitting on my self esteem, yes it's going to hurt. It may look like you didn't do anything, but if I even try to say "stop it" I'll burst out into tears!
Last night, my dad seemed to be upset that I wouldn't go spend time with the singles in the area. "If you're going to prepare for a mission, if you don't spend time with the singles?" Ouch. I can't quite explain it, but this past sunday was Fast Sunday and in Sunday School we began talking about answered prayers, and other things. Although every other word was what I remembered, I was thinking about the past. Everything that has happened. How lately, everyone has been questioning me on why I'm going on a mission. I thought of my friends, young and old, in Virginia, Minnesota, Illinois, Georgia, even here and in college. An old quote, "when the time for decision has come, the time for preparation has passed." came to mind. I thought of reaching out to the young 13-year-olds in Virginia. I had no bias towards them and they became amazing friends. I had no bias against 5-year-old, Katie, whom I babysat as least once a week. I'm not biased against the older peers that may think I'm too young for somethings. Then a thought came to mind, "you've always known". And looking back once again. Yes, I did. I always knew that I was going to go on a mission, and that every place I've lived had a purpose for me and for everyone else there, as well. Georgia was my childhood. Illinois was to reach out and see what the gospel can do and how much the Lord is looking out for each of us. Minnesota: He is always there; it's ok to be different, actually it's better to be different than the rest of the world! Virginia: Age is just a number and only states how long you've been on the earth, now what you know or learned; Allies can be the most unlikely people. Idaho: It's ok to ask for help and to share. Colorado: Sometimes the places that people don't want you are the places you need to be. There were so many times that I wanted to yell at people and say "Hey! I know what you're supposed to be learning right now!" But part of me knew that they would only become offended by what I had to say. I'm sure that there are more times like that to come.
There's one lesson that I'm still trying to learn more about that comes to mind. I had a "friend" write me a note and tell me that I'm only 19 and then telling me how I need to grow up. Dad later told me, "Addi, I'm 40 some odd years old and people are still telling me how I need to grow up." I know that the part of me that "needs to grow up" is always going to be there. It's part of my personality, it's part of who I am. A big that I had really learned about "growing up" is that when you know anyone, you don't tell them how to grow up because you don't know them well enough to say so. At the same time, when you do know them, you wouldn't say it, because you know that there are plenty of things that they can say you haven't learned yet. We are only on this earth for a short period of time, we have to learn from each other. When it came to my most recent relationship, a co worker asked me how it worked out. I had to tell her that I broke it up because I really felt that if we did continue and got married that we would end up getting divorced within the year. She was really surprised, even more after she found that he felt the same way. I continued and told her that I felt like I was the one who had to find the problems, bring them up, and solve them. (Now that's just my opinion.) We really felt like we were trying to change each other. She (Ashley), told me that she never would've been able to do that. Yes, it was hard, but I don't regret doing it.
Sometimes writing is the best thing in the world for me. It's my escape; it's my haven. A quiet room to write what I feel, what I think. I don't like having people know what's going on in my head. Because I'm afraid of getting my feelings hurt.
Mom asked me to read my favorite scripture from the Book of Mormon tonight. (Reaches for Book of Mormon from purse.) Alma 48:11-13,17
"And Moroni was a strong and a mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery;
"Yea, a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God, for the many privileges and blessings which he bestowed upon his people; a man who did labor exceedingly for the welfare and safety of his people.
"Yea, and he was a man who was firm in the faith of Christ, and he had sworn with an oath to defend his people, his rights, and his country, and his religion, even to the loss of his blood.
"Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men."
"The world would be a different place, if people really were like Moroni." - Mom